Mother of Necessity

because sometimes, you just have to.

My 2 Bad Vices

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This post is a scary one for me. I am really stepping out of my comfort zone on this one.

For my readers that do not know me this will be a surprise.

My first vice that I have is smoking. Yep, that’s right I smoke. I have for a long time.cigerette

I started as a teenager and smoked when I would go out with friends.  I thought I was cool. I smoked off and on till I met the ex. From there I smoked every day.

I gave it up when I was pregnant, picked it back up as soon as we came home from the hospital.

I quit for 6 years. But when my ex asked for a divorce I picked up a cigarette instead of going off on him. I have been smoking ever since that day.

I know, this vice can kill me. I know all the horrible things it does to my body. I know it’s not good for me, at all. I know firsthand, from relatives that have passed how bad it is. But here I am typing this blog with a cigarette in my hand.

I have tried several times to stop smoking but I can’t seem to kick this awful habit. I have tried prescribed medicines several times.

One didn’t do a thing for me, the next one made me hungry all the time and left a horrible tastes in my mouth and I couldn’t sleep. I stopped taking it because of the side effects and it really didn’t help.

The last one was the worst. It was beginning to work and I had stopped for 2 weeks but had to continue with the prescription. The pill worked but when I slept I had nightmares. I can deal with a nightmare or two. But these were awful.

They involved family members and their deaths. I had dreams of being in a tornado while in a car and watching my home town get demolished then it was my turn in the car.  The nightmares always included family and myself.

These nightmares were so vivid.  I would wake being out of breath, sweating or yelling. HORRIBLE!!!! I just couldn’t do it anymore.

So here I am slowly killing myself with what my son calls cancer sticks. Sad part is, I enjoy smoking. I like the taste, I enjoy all the rituals that go into smoking. Like the crack of a Zippo lighter.

When I did quit for 6 years, I did this cold turkey. It was tough but I did it. The only reason I quit was for my son. I was a stay at home mom and I didn’t want him to pick-up on this awful habit. Good news: He hasn’t and says he never will.

I’m sure one day I will quit but for now…..nope.

over eatingMy second vice is food. I have always had a love hate relationship with food. I love to eat and food hates me.  Because of the relationship with food, I am obese. I hate that word “obese”.  I think I would rather be called fat, heavy or overweight. Overweight is probably an understatement.

The truth of the matter is, I am a big girl. Have been for almost 28 years. I wasn’t always ‘fat’. But I had always carried a little extra weight.  Even as a teenager I wasn’t skinny. I was athletic, a tomboy and was a little overweight. But I still looked good. Or so I thought.

I started gaining weight when I got married. That should have been my first sign that the ex was not the man for me. But I was young and stupid and food became my outlet, comfort and therapy. (WOW! A therapeutic moment. I have never said that out loud.)

I have lost weight off and on but nothing substantial over the years. Almost 10 years ago was a big moment for me.

My son was 13-14 and he was ashamed of me because of my weight. He didn’t want me to go to school functions or meet his friends. Sad, really, because I am the only parent he has and I was making it harder for him to be proud of me.

So I decided it was time to do something about my weight. I went on-line and signed up for Weight-Watchers. I have to say it worked. For 2 years I thought of nothing but food and exercise.

Everything else was second, including my son, family and job. I seriously mean every thought was about me losing weight. It consumed me.

I did this for 2 years and lost half my body weight. I know, sounds awesome and amazing. It kind of was.

I wrote my story to Weight Watchers and they flew me and a friend to New York for a professional photo shoot. It was for a long weekend. They put us in a nice hotel. I had my hair and make-up done by professionals. That was fun. The shoot lasted a few hours and the rest of the weekend was sight-seeing.

I had never been to New York. I have say that was one of the best vacation I had ever had. It was so much fun. We did most of the typical things, like visit the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, SoHo, Financial district. Ate at some amazing places. Had the best cheese burger, ever. Had a pretzel from a street vendor. We saw a show on Broadway. We had the scariest cab ride ever.  I had never flirted with so many good looking men in my life.  It was a great time.

Weight Watchers decided they were not going to use my story to feature. That was a big letdown, but they still paid for everything and I had the best time.

The down side to losing the weight was, I was sick. I was losing my hair, I had dizzy spells, I was on medication for the first time in my life. I may have looked good to the world but I felt awful.

When I came home from New York, some things happened in my little family that was not in my control, and as you already know, I am a control freak.

Within weeks things fell apart for me.  We had to pack up our apartment and move. We moved in with my folks. My job was changing. My little world was spinning way to fast.

Because of all these things/events happening so quickly I had to put Weight Watchers on the back burner. To be honest, I threw it out the window. I didn’t and couldn’t focus on myself.  Others came first. So I began to put the weight back on.

I didn’t even notice at first. But within a year I was right back where I started.

Ever since those awful months, I have not dieted. I enjoy my food. This is my vice and I know how to use it….all the time. My focus is family. I am second.

I know what you are thinking, Wow, she is a mess. She should put herself first, especially since those awful times are behind her. You are probably right.

But here I am. Again, maybe someday that will happen. For now, you have to accept me for my faults, flaws, scars and weight.

Can you be brave and tell me what your vices are?

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5 thoughts on “My 2 Bad Vices

  1. Those “vices” you speak of are not the first thing that come to mind when I think of you. These are what come to mind kind, thoughtful, tenacious,dependable, loyal, funny, organized and sentimental. And those are just a few. We all have our vices but we all have our virtues too. 🙂

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  2. Pingback: Voicing My Vices | nopassingfancy

  3. There’s a well-known Christian writer who smoked all his life, and he said something like, “Smoking won’t send me to hell, it will just make me smell like I’ve already been there” 😉
    I, too, am a smoker. Terrible, horrible, vice. But there are no bodies buried in my backyard – so it works for me 😛
    My other vice? I chew my nails. Sometimes I do a really great job of it, and they’re non-existent 😦 No, it doesn’t hurt. It’s a habit I have had since I was 5, and whilst I have managed to sometimes grow them, it doesn’t happen often. Sometimes I don’t even know I am chewing them. Sigh.
    I have many more vices, but I’m hesitant to write a blog on your blog, ha ha ha! Thanks for this refreshingly honest post! 🙂

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    • Thanks so much for your bravery. It can be hard to admit to our own vices.
      Love that saying about smoking….may have to steal that the next time someone tells me I should quit. Smoking is a horrible habit.
      I understand you biting your nails. My brother has had this habit a long time too. I tease him that he has nubs for nails and he teases me about having short arms, which he calls alligator arms. There are worse vices to have.
      Maybe you should write a blog about your vices. I know I would read it.
      Thanks again for being so brave and sharing your vices.
      Maybe. just maybe, some day we will be able to break these vices that hold onto us so tightly.

      Liked by 1 person

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