Mother of Necessity

because sometimes, you just have to.


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Where Have I Been?

It’s time to play catch-up.  The past few months have been a wild ride.

As you know my mom is sick. The good news is she is not progressing downward. She is maintaining. That is a relief on all of us. Mom still has some bad days and is still getting weak. She has fallen a few times over the past months, but thank goodness there were no major injuries or hospital visits.

In the upcoming weeks she will have a procedure done to try and help with the fluid building up in her stomach area. We are hoping this will make Mom more comfortable and feel much better.

Dad is doing well. We had a scare with him about a month ago. He passed out and went to the hospital. Come to find out his pacemaker/defibrillator was not working right. He had a heart Cath done to make sure all was well. Thank the good Lord above there was no issues. The doctors corrected the pacemaker/defibrillator and he is good as new, well as new as can be at his age.  J

Now onto “the kid”. After he lost his job he fell into a deep depression with anxiety attacks. After months of him trying to cope by himself, he finally reached out for some help.

He is now seeing a therapist and through those visits we have discovered that he is just not a ‘quirky’ kid. He is on the Autism spectrum, very high functioning. Considering ‘the kid’ has gone to college (out of state), can hold a job and take care of himself.

All these years I thought I was raising a ‘quirky’ kid. Come to find out, I couldn’t have been more wrong. This tore me apart. Finding out my parenting skills have been all wrong for him for the past 25 years.  Realizing I was blind to the things right in front of me.

The best part is I can change my parenting skills and he is finding the help he needs. The therapy is helping with is depression and anxiety. In August he is going for testing to verify where he falls in the Autism spectrum.

I love that he has not changed through this journey of discovery about himself. He has a few fears about what all of this means. The biggest fear is he is afraid others will treat him differently or less than. He is still the same quirky and smart kid we all love and adore. We now have an explanation why we raise our eyebrows at times with him.

About the job: I made it through my 90 day probation period. I am finally doing my job. The awkwardness is still there but I am either getting used to it or conforming.

The job is boring but at least I don’t take it home with me. I am still learning and the learning process stresses me out because I feel like I should have this job down by now.

The company is working with me with all the family issues going on. I am very grateful for that.

My supervisor is warming up to me. Killing her with kindness seems to be working.

The past 2 months I have been working 10 hour shifts and overtime on Saturdays. The stress of my finances is getting to me. Working all these hours gives me less time with my parents and ‘the kid’. I don’t like that at all.

At least I have a job to go to and complain about.

Even with all of this going on, it still doesn’t explain why I haven’t been blogging. You would think that I would/should have been writing about all of these issues and doing my own writing therapy. Sharing with others to help them and to get this stuff out of my own head and get some support.

Well, here’s the truth. I was not in a position to write. My brain was/is on overload. Writing was the furthest thing in my mind. Coping with my mom’s illness. Just wrapping my head around that issue was hard enough for me. Let alone the new job. Then discovering ‘the kid’ was falling apart. It was all too much for this little brain to handle.

I was not coping well. I was crying all the time, not sleeping, feeling run down and I felt yucky all the time. I finally broke down and went to the doctor. I was hoping that he would give me a ‘happy’ pill and I would be on my way.

Instead, I got a full work up. I had blood work done and few other tests. When all the test results came back, I found out that I have depression and anxiety (already knew that). I guess ‘the kid’ and I are too much alike. I have high cholesterol, I have developed type 2 diabetes and I have neuropathy in my feet.

WOW, I went to feeling crappy at 40 something to feeling real crappy and 70 in just a matter of minutes.

I did get a ‘happy’ pill, along with few more medications. I am not on insulin injections, thank the Lord for that.

Making the adjustments to taking medications every day and testing my blood sugar was a big deal. I had major side effects to a couple of the medicines. For a few weeks I was completely out of sorts. The side effects have worn off and the ‘happy’ pill is working and so is the diabetic medication. The high cholesterol med is still something the doctor and I are working on. That type of pill is not good for me….the side effects are too bad.

Because of all the stress I lost almost 30 pound before I even went to the doctor. I have changed the way I eat and I have lost a total of 47 pounds in the past 4 months.

My goal is to be off the diabetic medication in a year and be 100 pounds lighter.  Wish me luck.

So there you have it in a nut shell.  A little glimpse into my world the past few months and now you know why it’s taken me so long to get back to writing.

I am hoping that I will add a post a week till things get even better.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. I have missed writing and I have missed all of you.

Please keep checking in. Leave me a note of encouragement or ask me a question. I could really use the support.

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My Journey: Mom & Dad-Accepting

hugs

 

Onto the next journey which has already been in motion for a while. That’s the journey I am on with my parents.

As we know, when our parents get older the roles can be reversed and we begin to care for them instead of them caring for us.

If you have read my blogs about my folks you know that Dad is a heart patient and Mom has stage 4 Cirrhosis of the liver (non-alcoholic) and a heart patient. Both are in their 70’s, their health is declining and things are getting harder for them to do.

It’s sad to watch such strong, independent, self-assured, and capable individuals decline. Even if it’s just a little bit and one thing at a time.

My parents have always done things on their own. They have remodeled their home, built a garage, taken care of their property, repaired things around their home, planted gardens, raised 3 kids, taken care of 3 grandkids, helped others, worked in their church and have always been the ones called upon for assistance. My parents have been there for so many.

Now the shoe is on the other foot. Now my parents are the ones needing assistance. Granted they are still very capable of doing so many things, but need some help doing others.

As their child I am heartbroken for them. I know neither one of them want to relinquish their independence or admit that they need help sometimes. It has got to be difficult to ask for help when just a year ago they were capable. What a difference a year makes.

I can only imagine their own struggles they have. They say growing old is not for the weak. I am beginning to understand that statement more and more each day.

This journey I am on with my parents will be tough and heart wrenching. The one thing I am sure of is, I will not regret going on this ride. There have been rides that I have taken in the past and regret but this will not be one of them.

With their permission I will be sharing this journey we are on. Granted most of the posts will be about my journey and sharing a glimpse of theirs. I am not looking for sympathy or kudos. I just thought this would be a good outlet for me and maybe a way to help others that may have to jump on the same type of ride.

 Stage #1 (for me)-Accepting the fact that my parents are not invincible. As children and even adults we want to believe that our parents will be with us forever. The reality is most likely they will not.

Accepting that they need your help. I didn’t want to help because I was holding onto my parents were invincible. If I helped then I had to let go of the dream that they would never perish.

Accepting that my own personal priorities will change. My folks come first and everything else is second.

Accepting that my role as a daughter has changed and will continue to change.

Accepting the new emotional roller coaster ride I am on.

Accepting the reality that they are very sick.

Accepting responsibilities that my folks bestow upon me with grace and love.

Accepting hugs out of the blue.  

Accepting the blessing that will come from this journey.

Yes, I did say, “blessings” I know there will be because I have already had a few.
For right now it’s learning to accept whatever is thrown at us.

I know for me, I will do my hardest to find the blessings even in the emotional craziness that may consume me. I will do my best to accept whatever roadblock, downfall, bad day, funny moments, quite times and quality time I have left with my parents.

Sorry this post is not the most positive, I will work on that. I will do my best to keep you updated once a week on this new journey.

Please feel free to comment or share your journey with me.


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2015 In Review- One Year Anniversary

WOW!!! It will be one year tomorrow since I started blogging. The love and support I have is amazing. Your encouragement means the world to me. You all ROCK!!!!

I am amazed that I have over 300 followers. I have posted 152 posts including this one. The blog has been viewed almost 5,000 times. I have reached over 50 countries. I am shocked that so many have taken the time to read this simple blog.

I am blessed to have you in my blogging world. You encourage me to do so much more.

I have no idea what the future holds for me and the blog. I can’t wait to see what happens next and where this journey takes me. I also hope you join me on these little adventures.

Thank you so much for all the comments, likes, shares and pins over the past year. I wouldn’t be doing this good without you.

Here are some stats from WordPress for  you to review my/our progress.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 4,900 times in 2015. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.


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Wanting To Help, But Can’t?

free hugsSomething on my heart.

Have you ever been in the position that you know you can’t help someone or comfort someone in need. Especially when your heart is breaking for that loved one(s)? The past month or so has been that for me.

My heart aches that so many of my loved ones are hurting and there is nothing in my power to help or comfort them. Which breaks my heart even more.

As you already know I am a control freak and I want to help others. Not being able to assist them in anyway makes me feel like I have failed them in in some way or that I am a bad cousin, friend, Aunt, sister, daughter and/or mother.

I don’t like seeing loved ones (anyone) suffer or struggle. It truly saddens me to the core that they have to go through the pain. I realize they have their own support. But I’m not helping. I am not contributing in the help.

How do I help someone when there’s nothing you can say or do to help take away the pain?

Here is what I have concluded. There is something you can do to help. It may not be cleaning their home, or even being that should to cry on. You can be there with your love and support.

  1. Make that phone call. Let them know you are just checking in. Sometimes that opens the door for a conversation that needs to be set free.
  2. Text them and let them know you are thinking of them.
  3. Send an e-mail. An e-mail allows the other person a chance to open up and share when they can’t actually talk about the struggle.
  4. Send a card (handwritten). Take the time to write down your love and concern you have for them and make sure you open that line of communication. Sometimes just knowing that someone is in your corner is enough to get them through the day.
  5. When/if they reach out to you….listen to them. They NEED to talk. It doesn’t matter what the content is, LISTEN. They NEED you to listen.
  6. Be there. Just be present for them.
  7. Hug them, sometimes a hug breaks down the barrier. Hug them till they stop hugging you. Let them hold on for dear life if needed.
  8. Prayer is something you can do to help comfort them in a way no one else can. God is the only one that has the power to bring peace to a hurting soul.

Your actions do not have to be large gestures, just your love. I know the above do not sound like a lot of help. But, I have been informed by others that sometimes the smallest act of kindness/love is the greatest help. Supporting hurting individuals is tough because it never seems to be enough. You just being there for them is enough.


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And So The Job Search Begins……Doubts

finding a jobWell, the time has come. I have to start looking for a real job. I have been hiatus for over a year and my money is running out. I have enjoyed my time off. I have gotten to explore myself a little more. Started blogging, wrote two small books and started back with my photography. I have organized my house, went on a vacation, visited family and relaxed. I am not looking forward to the job search. It’s been over 14 years since I had to apply for a job.

I have so many doubts about my skills. I am terrified since I do not have a college degree or any higher education. I am scared no one will hire me because of my weight.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I have some great work skills but the doubt comes in because I may not have the right skills that are needed in today’s world.

I really don’t know what I want from my career at this time. I have questions:  Do I want to work in the same field (customer service) or do I want to try and venture out of that comfort zone? Do I want to relocate? If so, where do I want to go?

I do enjoy customer service (I’m good at it) as long as I am really helping a person. I enjoyed my last job helping people with their medications and insurance. I made a difference to many people. I liked that tremendously. What I didn’t like was the company I worked for they forgot that we worked for people, real people that were searching for help. The company looked at the customers as a number and the bottom line.  The company got lost in sales and profit, they forgot about their own mission statement.

I don’t want to do meaningless sales, or a dead end job. I want to help others. I want to grow as a person in my job. I want to make a difference. It can be a small difference but I still would like to have that impact. How can I do this and make a living? (Seriously. Any suggestions?)

I have started putting in my resumes to several companies this past week. Now there’s something new to me. Applying online, that is something very simple and easy but still foreign territory for me.

I am used to going to each company, speaking to the HR (human resources) personnel and then calling every week to check on the resume/application. There’s a whole new process involved now and it’s all online. What a huge difference 14 years can make.

Making a new resume was difficult too. The style of the resume is different, the wording is different, and the format is different. It’s all new to me. You now have to have key’ words that help you stand out. You have to be unique but not so unique that you are not taken seriously. Did you know that you only have between 15-30 seconds to impress someone with your resume?  Did you know that if you don’t have those ‘key’ words they will dismiss your resume?  So much pressure to do the resume right.

It’s a new work world. I have doubts whether there is a place for me in it.

I would love to blog, take photos and write for a living but I know I am not a professional at any of these things. (((SIGH!)))

Here I am searching for what I want in a career. I am still searching within myself on what I want out of life and for my life. Searching myself if I want to relocate for a job.  Searching for joy in a job. Searching for a job that will add to my happiness.  So much searching to be done, all the while doubting my abilities.

Here I am asking for help. Here I am leaving my comfort zone. Here I am trying to stay motivated. Here I am trying to add to my happiness and self-worth.  I may have to re-read my own blogs just to get through this (insert big belly laugh).

The best part is, in my heart I know everything will work out in the end. I WILL find the right job, I WILL be in the right location and I know I will still be blogging and taking photos.

It’s the journey that gets ya……and so the journey begins.


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6 Month Anniversary

6 month AnnivIt has been six months since I started blogging. I have enjoyed writing and coming up with things to share. It can be a struggle for me at times, I do enjoy the challenge blogging offers me.

Blogging is taking me out of my comfort zone. I am an introvert and sharing my world comes easy for the ones in my circle but to let the world in….well, that’s a new area for me. I appreciate all the great, supporting comments I have received. You, my friends, make it easier for me. It warms my heart knowing I have a new group of e-friends out there supporting me. You all are amazing.

Because of you, I have over 2,300 views, and almost 300 followers. I know this doesn’t sound like much in the blogging world, to me, it’s fantastic. I am so grateful for every person that is supporting my journey.

I really didn’t think anyone would read my blog. When I started I had one idea in mind that idea was to try and help my readers have a simpler life. Now that idea is growing into several ideas. Now I want to share my world with my photos, music and blogs. I still want to help you make things easier, but I also want to remind us all that we can still find happiness and peace in the mist of all our struggles. This is because of the support you have shown me these past 6 months.

Thank you for helping me gain some ideas and helping me develop what I/you want out of the blog.

I hope in the future, that while I am growing as a person and growing with the blog that I meet the standards you are looking for.Thank you

Thank you so much for showing your love, kindness, comments, and support. I would not have made it this far without you.

I would love to hear your suggestions or ideas. Please leave your ideas in the comments or e-mail at: motherofnecessity1@gmail.com

If you want to check out other things I have going on please click on the links below.

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/motherofnec0168/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/motherofnecessity.net

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Donate: http://www.gofundme.com/t7ya42jc

Please share with your friends to help grow my blog. Thanks


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One Tough Gig = Single Parenting

My son and I

My son and I

Parenting is the toughest gig out there, let alone being a single parent. Weather your child is a baby or a teenager, parenting will suck the life out of you (sometimes) and be the most rewarding job EVER.

It is a blessing and a privilege to be a parent. I count it as an honor to be a parent. Parenting is a life changer. In my opinion for the better.

I love my kid so much that I will do almost anything to make him happy and to protect him. As a parent all I want to do is, be more, give more and do more for my son.

Even with the greatest intentions my plans didn’t work out.

We didn’t take any vacations. Usually because I never had enough money to go anywhere. On a rare occasion, I was able to save up some money and we would take a ‘day’ vacation and do something very close to home.

I will admit, those “day” vacations were some of the best days we had together. It was because we knew it was special to do/go someplace different. To this day, one of my son’s favorite places is an ice cream parlor we would go to once every summer to have a treat. I had to save up for the ice cream trip too.

Money wasn’t always the issue. Discipline was tough too. We have to discipline our kids. When you are a single parent it’s hard, because we don’t want to be the bad guy. I didn’t want my kid to hate me.

What I did realize, is kids are looking for structure. Discipline is one form of that structure. It’s our jobs to teach them right and wrong. The hard part is how tough am I supposed to be. Not having someone to support me or talk me off the ledge, was hard. It’s easier when there is another person who is helping. You can talk out what punishment is deserving of the crime. I always second guess myself when it came to discipline. For me, I went with being a little strict because I saw the potential in my son and I wanted him to have respect for rules.

I have found that structure and consistency are key requirements to being a good parent. Developing these skills are difficult when you are the only one setting the ground rules. There is a fine line from being the bad guy all the time and having your kids like you.

I promise it can be done. Set the ground rules and punishments (that suit the infraction). Inform your kids what the rules are and what the consequences will be. It is up to you to follow through, no matter what.

For instance: in our home, there is no slamming of doors. If he slammed a door, I grounded him for a week from a video game or his favorite toy. I know it sounds harsh. To me, slamming a door shows a few things: disrespect to me and the home we live in. It also told me that my son was mad about something. I would rather he tell me why he’s mad then slam a door. Simple really. Don’t slam a door, show some respect and talk to your mom when you are mad.

To this day, he does not slam a door or act out when he is upset. Don’t forget my kid is 24. He respects me and the house we live in and we are closer because he knows he can talk to me. I got so much out of this simple rule.

Just the other day my son told me, that it was good that he had rules to follow when he was growing up. My son also told me that he loved having structure in the house because he didn’t have it any other place. He told me I did a good job. That was all the “Thanks” I needed. It was great hearing that I did something right. Granted it took 24 years for me to find out. But better late than never.

Remember, we are raising the next generation. We need to be the examples for our kids.

Being a single parent or parent is not for the faint of heart. You have to be loving, kind, understanding, tough, and thick skinned to get through it.

I know you are great parents. Keep up the great work. I promise it pays off in the end.

Here are my tips to help you single parents:

You don’t have to be their best friend, it will come later. You can be a friend to them but don’t forget you are the parent first.

Do what is ‘right’ by your kids…..not what makes them happy. (They will be mad at first, but will still love and respect you). If you do the right thing, no matter how hard. It will pay off in the end with respect and love.

Kids need discipline, they almost beg for it. Our kids do bad things for 2 reasons. One, is to learn thier boundaries. Second, because they are wanting your attention.

Provide structure in the home. Set rules, guidelines and chores. Kids crave structure and they are looking to you to set the rules and they will follow by example.

Follow through with what you will do. If you say the punishment is (fill in the blank), then make sure you follow through with that punishment. If you promise to go somewhere special…keep your word.

When things get too bad or out of hand, ask for help. Have someone give you a break. Get out of the house for an hour. If that’s not possible, give yourself a break. Take a long shower/bath and start again tomorrow. I promise, the house will not cave in if you take a break.

Love on your kids. Hug them, even when they are teenagers. Ask questions about their day. Get involved, but don’t be a hovering parent. Kiss them good night, even when they don’t want you to. Tell them you love them as often as you can.

Being a parent is tough, but the rewards outweigh the bad stuff. I promise.

I hope these tips and story have helped you in your journey of parenting.

Tell me your tips for being a parent. I would love your input.