Mother of Necessity

because sometimes, you just have to.


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Where Have I Been?

It’s time to play catch-up.  The past few months have been a wild ride.

As you know my mom is sick. The good news is she is not progressing downward. She is maintaining. That is a relief on all of us. Mom still has some bad days and is still getting weak. She has fallen a few times over the past months, but thank goodness there were no major injuries or hospital visits.

In the upcoming weeks she will have a procedure done to try and help with the fluid building up in her stomach area. We are hoping this will make Mom more comfortable and feel much better.

Dad is doing well. We had a scare with him about a month ago. He passed out and went to the hospital. Come to find out his pacemaker/defibrillator was not working right. He had a heart Cath done to make sure all was well. Thank the good Lord above there was no issues. The doctors corrected the pacemaker/defibrillator and he is good as new, well as new as can be at his age.  J

Now onto “the kid”. After he lost his job he fell into a deep depression with anxiety attacks. After months of him trying to cope by himself, he finally reached out for some help.

He is now seeing a therapist and through those visits we have discovered that he is just not a ‘quirky’ kid. He is on the Autism spectrum, very high functioning. Considering ‘the kid’ has gone to college (out of state), can hold a job and take care of himself.

All these years I thought I was raising a ‘quirky’ kid. Come to find out, I couldn’t have been more wrong. This tore me apart. Finding out my parenting skills have been all wrong for him for the past 25 years.  Realizing I was blind to the things right in front of me.

The best part is I can change my parenting skills and he is finding the help he needs. The therapy is helping with is depression and anxiety. In August he is going for testing to verify where he falls in the Autism spectrum.

I love that he has not changed through this journey of discovery about himself. He has a few fears about what all of this means. The biggest fear is he is afraid others will treat him differently or less than. He is still the same quirky and smart kid we all love and adore. We now have an explanation why we raise our eyebrows at times with him.

About the job: I made it through my 90 day probation period. I am finally doing my job. The awkwardness is still there but I am either getting used to it or conforming.

The job is boring but at least I don’t take it home with me. I am still learning and the learning process stresses me out because I feel like I should have this job down by now.

The company is working with me with all the family issues going on. I am very grateful for that.

My supervisor is warming up to me. Killing her with kindness seems to be working.

The past 2 months I have been working 10 hour shifts and overtime on Saturdays. The stress of my finances is getting to me. Working all these hours gives me less time with my parents and ‘the kid’. I don’t like that at all.

At least I have a job to go to and complain about.

Even with all of this going on, it still doesn’t explain why I haven’t been blogging. You would think that I would/should have been writing about all of these issues and doing my own writing therapy. Sharing with others to help them and to get this stuff out of my own head and get some support.

Well, here’s the truth. I was not in a position to write. My brain was/is on overload. Writing was the furthest thing in my mind. Coping with my mom’s illness. Just wrapping my head around that issue was hard enough for me. Let alone the new job. Then discovering ‘the kid’ was falling apart. It was all too much for this little brain to handle.

I was not coping well. I was crying all the time, not sleeping, feeling run down and I felt yucky all the time. I finally broke down and went to the doctor. I was hoping that he would give me a ‘happy’ pill and I would be on my way.

Instead, I got a full work up. I had blood work done and few other tests. When all the test results came back, I found out that I have depression and anxiety (already knew that). I guess ‘the kid’ and I are too much alike. I have high cholesterol, I have developed type 2 diabetes and I have neuropathy in my feet.

WOW, I went to feeling crappy at 40 something to feeling real crappy and 70 in just a matter of minutes.

I did get a ‘happy’ pill, along with few more medications. I am not on insulin injections, thank the Lord for that.

Making the adjustments to taking medications every day and testing my blood sugar was a big deal. I had major side effects to a couple of the medicines. For a few weeks I was completely out of sorts. The side effects have worn off and the ‘happy’ pill is working and so is the diabetic medication. The high cholesterol med is still something the doctor and I are working on. That type of pill is not good for me….the side effects are too bad.

Because of all the stress I lost almost 30 pound before I even went to the doctor. I have changed the way I eat and I have lost a total of 47 pounds in the past 4 months.

My goal is to be off the diabetic medication in a year and be 100 pounds lighter.  Wish me luck.

So there you have it in a nut shell.  A little glimpse into my world the past few months and now you know why it’s taken me so long to get back to writing.

I am hoping that I will add a post a week till things get even better.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. I have missed writing and I have missed all of you.

Please keep checking in. Leave me a note of encouragement or ask me a question. I could really use the support.


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My Journey: Mom and Dad –Scary Week

hospitalLife sure does throw you some curve balls sometimes. Last Tuesday I got a phone call at 4:30 am. It was my mom telling me she fell. Hearing this woke me up very quickly. I asked if she was ok, and she begins to tell me what happened.

She woke up to go to the bathroom, once she was there mom got dizzy and fell. She hit the counter top of the sink and landed in the bathtub. She hit her back, belly and her head. I could hear that she was scared. I got dressed and drove straight over. When I arrived Mom was setting in the living room, she was white as a sheet and scared.

I called the squad. They arrived within 7 minutes. That’s pretty quick since mom and dad live about 6 miles away from the nearest town and the fire department is all volunteers. The EMT’s scooped her up and we were on our way to the hospital.

Dad and I were so concerned for her.  When a person is 70 something, has cirrhosis of the liver and is a heart patient, a fall is scary. She could have a concussion, broken bones, internal bleeding or any number of things.

The doctor and nurses checked her out thoroughly and ran a few test. Thank the good Lord she did not have any head injuries or broken bones. The ER doctor decided to keep her overnight for observation since she fell and hit her head. They wanted to make sure nothing would develop.

My sister spent the night with mom on Tuesday. Since dad had been up with mom since she fell early that morning. Overnight mom became very confused, anxious, agitated and restless. She was not resting and not acting like mom.

Boy did my sister have her hands full. Mom was so restless she did not sleep at all. Mom was more confused and very upset. My poor sister didn’t get any rest, mom was running her legs off.

In hindsight, I am so thankful the hospital doctor did not release her that day. By Wednesday things turned.

The doctors ran more test and those came back negative. We could not figure out what happed to make her so sick. It’s scary to watch your loved one suffer. You feel so helpless.

Thursday the hospital ran a couple more tests and found out that mom was dehydrated and her blood pressure would bottom out every time she stood up. This was the cause for the fall. The doctors began to make some changes to her medicines and began to hydrate mom. We were hoping to see a change. That did not come on Thursday. Mom hadn’t slept in almost 48 hours and she was still very confused and just not a happy camper.

Thursday Dad spent the night with mom. Another sleepless night for both of them. Mom was still confused and not happy. My Dad worried all night and did everything he could to help her but mom wouldn’t have any of it. It didn’t matter what any of us did she was not going to rest.

Friday was more of the same. But she was beginning to sleep a little. I do mean a little. She slept for a couple of hours but during her sleep she was very fidgety. She would pick at her blanket, move her pillows, roll from side to side and mumble.

Throughout the week mom would share her dislike by giving us the evil eye as Dad calls it. If looks could kill, my sister would be dead at this time. Mom would curl up her lip at a nurse she didn’t care for or roll her eyes as a doctor would leave the room. Mom may have been very confused but she sure could communicate what or who she didn’t like.

I spent the night Friday with Mom. I got to see firsthand what my Dad and sister were contending with. I found out quickly I was one of those people she didn’t like. I got the evil eye and mom informed a nurse that I was the meanest kid she had.

I know my Mom loves me and this did not offend me. She didn’t know what she was saying, she was just communicating her dislike about the situation and I happened to be there.

Friday night was another sleepless night for both of us. Mom didn’t rest at all. She was constantly fidgeting with things, throwing her blankets and pillows to the floor, playing with the bed rails, mumbling about things and people that weren’t there.

What a scary thing to watch. Seeing your mom is such a state and you are completely helpless. That messes with your head.

Saturday was more of the same but Mom did sleep a little bit. Still restless but sleeping.

My sister spent the night Saturday. Things were a little better. Mom slept for an hour and a half during the night. Mom was still running our legs off and sharing her dislikes.

Sunday was different story. By 8:30 am Mom was sleeping soundly, no fidgeting and no mumbling, she was snoring. As my sister said, I never thought the sound of snoring would be so peaceful.

It was a good day. Mom slept most of the day and when she was awake, she was no longer confused or agitated. She finally ate more than 4 bites for dinner. It was so nice to see my mom and not the ‘sick’ mom.

Mom slept all night Sunday and almost completely back to her normal self.

Mom will go to physical therapy to help her gain strength and learn how to use some helpful tools to get mobility so she can come home. She is on her way to recovering from this scary ordeal.

I have to thank all the nurses, doctors and technicians for all their hard work in getting my mom feeling better.

Thank you to those who are praying for mom and our family.

Thank you to my readers for your understanding and patience as I juggle the new job, my family and trying to write blogs.


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I Just Didn’t Realize

confussedThe other day I asked “The Kid” to look over a blog that I had written about my folks to edit. (He’s my proofreader). He just stood there, silent with a sad look on his face.

I was puzzled by his reaction. I was thinking, well he’s just being a brat and didn’t want to help me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I asked why? His response surprised me. He said “I can’t” Why not? “It makes me sad and heartbroken.” My heart dropped to the floor. I didn’t realize that for him editing the blogs about my folks hurt so much.

He is a great help to me and the folks. He is always there to lend a hand. He has been checking on me to make sure he is there for me. Always asking if I’m ok or asking if I need anything. So, his response surprised me.

He continues to say that he’s not strong like I am. That it’s not easy for him to read in black and white what is happening to his grandparents and reading how this is affecting his mom.

Poor kid. I didn’t even think about how deeply this was impacting him. I knew he was hurting but I didn’t know how much.

He has watched me have sobbing breakdowns, He has watched me stress, listened to my emotional outbursts all the while staying calm, listening, handing me a tissue and hugging me so often that I’m almost bruised. J He’s the strong one. That’s a lot for a young person to carry.

I am not the strong one. I feel emotions deeply. They cut me off at the knees. I cry in the silence of my own home so no one will see my weakness. I put on a brave face to get through the emotional roller coaster I am on. I smile and joke so I won’t feel the sadness or pain. I blog to get those emotions and thoughts out because I can’t handle them bouncing around in my head.

“The Kid” is stronger than I am. He has been dealing with the news of his grandma (Mimi) very well. Or so I thought. On the outside he is helpful, talkative, kind, loving, and supportive but on the inside he is falling apart. I guess neither one of us are that strong but I know that going through this as mom and son we will be right.

They tell you that that the passing of your parents is painful. I had no idea how much my heart would hurt and they aren’t even gone. This journey will be one of the toughest things I will endure.

Some of you that have already been on this ride, and it’s lingering after effects, know the pain I am talking about. It physically hurts and your brain feels like it’s on fire. Accepting those emotions is another small journey in itself.

You think you are mentally prepared for this journey, But you are not. There is nothing in this world that can prepare you for the wide range of emotions and thoughts that run through your head. It consumes you in every way.

There is some good news. That is I have a fantastic support system. I have a wonderful family that loves me unconditionally. I have some of the best prayer warriors out there. I have a son that loves me so much he’s afraid to share his emotions with me because he doesn’t want me to worry or add to the stress level. My folks are the best parents any kid could want. And, I still have time to spend with them and love them even harder than I did before.

I am blessed with riches that some people only dream of having. Every night I am amazed that I made it through the day. With the grace of God, a wonderful family and amazing friends I know tomorrow and the next day will be better. And I will continue to strive to do and be better for my son, my folks and loved ones.

I’m sorry Kid, I just didn’t realize how much you were hurting. I promise to do better and to help you through this. I love you!

P.S. Sorry for any errors on this blog or the past few and future blogs. I no longer have an in house editor.


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And So The Job Search Begins……Doubts

finding a jobWell, the time has come. I have to start looking for a real job. I have been hiatus for over a year and my money is running out. I have enjoyed my time off. I have gotten to explore myself a little more. Started blogging, wrote two small books and started back with my photography. I have organized my house, went on a vacation, visited family and relaxed. I am not looking forward to the job search. It’s been over 14 years since I had to apply for a job.

I have so many doubts about my skills. I am terrified since I do not have a college degree or any higher education. I am scared no one will hire me because of my weight.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I have some great work skills but the doubt comes in because I may not have the right skills that are needed in today’s world.

I really don’t know what I want from my career at this time. I have questions:  Do I want to work in the same field (customer service) or do I want to try and venture out of that comfort zone? Do I want to relocate? If so, where do I want to go?

I do enjoy customer service (I’m good at it) as long as I am really helping a person. I enjoyed my last job helping people with their medications and insurance. I made a difference to many people. I liked that tremendously. What I didn’t like was the company I worked for they forgot that we worked for people, real people that were searching for help. The company looked at the customers as a number and the bottom line.  The company got lost in sales and profit, they forgot about their own mission statement.

I don’t want to do meaningless sales, or a dead end job. I want to help others. I want to grow as a person in my job. I want to make a difference. It can be a small difference but I still would like to have that impact. How can I do this and make a living? (Seriously. Any suggestions?)

I have started putting in my resumes to several companies this past week. Now there’s something new to me. Applying online, that is something very simple and easy but still foreign territory for me.

I am used to going to each company, speaking to the HR (human resources) personnel and then calling every week to check on the resume/application. There’s a whole new process involved now and it’s all online. What a huge difference 14 years can make.

Making a new resume was difficult too. The style of the resume is different, the wording is different, and the format is different. It’s all new to me. You now have to have key’ words that help you stand out. You have to be unique but not so unique that you are not taken seriously. Did you know that you only have between 15-30 seconds to impress someone with your resume?  Did you know that if you don’t have those ‘key’ words they will dismiss your resume?  So much pressure to do the resume right.

It’s a new work world. I have doubts whether there is a place for me in it.

I would love to blog, take photos and write for a living but I know I am not a professional at any of these things. (((SIGH!)))

Here I am searching for what I want in a career. I am still searching within myself on what I want out of life and for my life. Searching myself if I want to relocate for a job.  Searching for joy in a job. Searching for a job that will add to my happiness.  So much searching to be done, all the while doubting my abilities.

Here I am asking for help. Here I am leaving my comfort zone. Here I am trying to stay motivated. Here I am trying to add to my happiness and self-worth.  I may have to re-read my own blogs just to get through this (insert big belly laugh).

The best part is, in my heart I know everything will work out in the end. I WILL find the right job, I WILL be in the right location and I know I will still be blogging and taking photos.

It’s the journey that gets ya……and so the journey begins.


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Still Worrying About Worrying?

Worry

 

I wanted to come back to this topic because I know there are so many of us that worry way too much. I want to try and help ourselves worry less. I realize that most of will still worry about our kids, money, well you know the big things. Maybe, just maybe we can worry less with a few tips or tricks.

We have convinced ourselves that worrying helps. We think if I can find a solution then I will stop worrying. We tell ourselves that we don’t want to overlook anything or be surprised and I want to be a responsible adult.

All of these things lead to worrying. We can’t sleep, or when we try to sleep we can’t shut off our brains. Then we start to have negative thoughts. These actions make us go in circles. When we worry, we become negative and being negative makes us worry. This is not a healthy way to live my friends.

I have a few things that I have been doing to help myself worry less. So far, so good. Hopefully by sharing these ideas, they will help you too.

DO SOMETHING: When you find yourself being tortured over something, stop thinking and do something. Go to your to-do list and start checking things off, get some chores done, exercise. If we do something that has a physical action we tend to think about the action we are doing and not worry.

I have been practicing this one for a while. When I find myself fretting over something, I make myself do something, I clean the kitchen, do laundry, finish a craft project or just go take a walk.

SMASH THE WORRY IN THE MOUTH: I don’t meant that literally. If there is a problem that can be resolved, then get to it. Smash that problem with a big hammer and move on. Stop worrying and get rid of the problem. Facing things head on takes some courage. Lace up them boots and be fearless.

This one is getting easier for me. I am a big chicken and I hope/pray/worry that the problem will just go away on its own. Well, it doesn’t work that way. The ball is in my court and I get the privilege of smashing the ball over the fence. That feels real good, when I am in control and solve my own problems.

ASK FOR SUPPORT: Talk to your friends and family. They will have a different perspective and can give you some great insight. I know for myself, if I just say the words out loud to someone then my worry is less.

LISTEN TO MUSIC: I love music, but I don’t listen enough. When I see that I am worrying, I plug in some digital music and just listen. Sometimes I sing along. Here’s the fun part. When I listen to music it gives me energy, I am able to get more work done and it relaxes me.

Music is a wonderful thing and I have to remind myself that I love music and I should make sure that I get my music anytime I can.

WRITE IT DOWN: One of my aunts told me when I was a kid to write down my bad thoughts. I hadn’t practice that in a long time, but I am doing it now. I have a worry journal.

Just like keeping a blessing journal, it works the same way. The big difference is, when I am done worrying, I take that sheet of paper and either burn it or shred it. This works great for me because it allows my brain to know that the problem is done and I have no need for it anymore and it’s gone….literally.

If you keep a Blessing Journal, go back a read your blessings, this relaxes me too and takes some of the worry away.

HOPE FOR THE BEST-PREPARE FOR THE WORST: This is an old saying but it does ring true. This one is hard for me. I have no problem preparing for the worst, it’s that ‘hope for the best’ part that gets me.

Having hope can be hard for a worrier. Hope has no action, it’s just positive thinking. Yep, that’s right, it’s time to start thinking a little bit more positive towards our problems and life in general. The funny thing is, where there is hope there is positive thinking. They go hand in hand.

Preparing for the worst is the easy part for most of us. When we worry, we tend to think about the worst possible outcome. Here’s the hard part, accepting and I really mean, accepting the worst. If we truly accept the worst then we can take action to improve upon the worst.

Worrying doesn’t do any good in the long run, it only hurts us. Let’s practice a few if not all of the suggestions above and become a little bit more relaxed and worry less.

I would love to hear from you. Please let me know what worked for you.


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What? Me Worry?

worry

Based upon the results of the poll, the winner is WORRY. Almost 50% of the people that participated, including myself say we worry too much. I see this is a burden for so many.

That gave me a great idea to post about all of us worrying too much. Maybe by me writing about worrying, it will help you and me from worrying so much.

According to the dictionary, worry means to:  torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. When I read this I literally said “WOW” out loud. We are torturing ourselves. I said to myself, “who, in their right mind would torture themselves, that’s just nuts. Then I answered, “oh yeah, I do almost every day.

Let me share a little bit. I may have mentioned this in a prior post or in my book “Making Decisions”, but I am a control freak. I like order, plans, lists and having a great idea of what is down the road.

I am not sharing, to make you feel sorry for me. I am letting you know that I am just your average girl that struggles like everyone else does and you are not alone. By sharing a little bit of my story, my hope is to help others and even myself become better people.

I may not have had the best adult life (yet) with an ex-husband that wasn’t the nicest man, going through a divorce, a custody battle, raising my son on my own, seeing so many of my aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, co-workers and grandparents pass away (about 40 deaths in 25 years), financial issues, losing a home and my job. GEEZ!!!! Just listing these things makes me see how I am prone to worrying.

When I lost my job about 8 months ago, that I had worked for almost 14 years, needless to say, I was freaked out and worried.

I am very fortunate that I am able to take some time to figure out what my next step is. Which is still a work in progress. I have been given the opportunity to reinvent myself. I am taking advantage by, taking my time, trying a few new things that I love, like writing and waiting to see where all of this leads me.

But I still worry about my future, what it holds, where my career will lead me or where this ‘time-off’ journey will take me. I worry about my son and his future, my parents that are sick and my cousins that are sick.

I just read the above paragraphs and thought…..Boy, I’m depressing. I would stop reading this. Hang in there with me, please. I’m getting to the more positive stuff.

Since I have lost my job things are very different. I didn’t realize that the job was toxic for me. I am more relaxed, less stressed and no longer have headaches. I am happier. That job caused me to have blinders on and I couldn’t see past that job or the next paycheck. That’s not a great way to live my friends.

In the past 8 months I have been able to relax more, sleep better and really go for something I have wanted, like write 2 short books, start a blog, get a little crafty, get myself organized, help others get organized, and be there for my family. Granted none of these things has brought any money in (for now), but I am happy (sane) again. No amount of money can buy your happiness.

With doing these things I have realized that being in control is out the window. To my surprise, I am ok with that. I still worry about my future, but I worry less about my folks, my kid and cousins. I see now that these are things that I really can’t control.

For me, having this time to really reflect has been therapeutic. I am a work in progress but it’s getting better. I have come to the conclusion that I will probably always worry about my own future, but to worry about others and their future is a waste of my energy. I need to put that energy into helping my family and do what I can to help others, by writing this blog and books.

I know it doesn’t seem like much but just like the other posts, we have to find our happy. Writing and helping others, makes me happy.

I guess what I am saying is, don’t waste your time with worry, Spend your time making yourself or others happy.

Please leave a comment, I would love to hear from my readers. I want to do right by all of you and your feedback would be great. Thanks